BMW to recall 3 series amid reports of faults causing owners to drive like dicks

BMW this morning announced a recall of all 3 Series models from the last seven years, amid reports that owners are being forced to drive like dicks for reasons not yet ascertained.

The news is likely to affect hundreds of thousands of mid level executives, who will be forced to act like a human being on their daily commute to and from the office.

A BMW safety spokesperson explained, 'We have had several thousand reports from other road users that there seems to be a significant blind spot in the 3 series, with the driver unable to see other cars that are either in front, at the side, or behind them.'

"Obviously the 3 series drivers are completely unaware of this, as they've not reported it - but the blind spot probably just makes it appear as if the roads are empty and for their sole use alone."

Safety

Reports of erratic performance of the 3 series is affecting all parts of the UK, with major motorways and trunk roads seemingly the worst hit.

One road user explained. "Each morning there's at least one 3 series driver who pulls out at the junction on the A45 - regardless of what traffic is coming - forcing other drivers to take evasive action."

"I normally scream 'you f*****g wanker' or something equally abusive, but I do feel a bit guilty following this announcement, he clearly can't see me."

"It's a bit like shouting spastic at someone in a wheelchair - it’s not their fault, and you shouldn't do it, no matter how big and shiny and expensive their wheelchair is."

"I would ask though, if BMW could take a look at the indicators whilst they're at it, I'm pretty sure they don't work either."

BMW say they are addressing the issue, and hope to have all cars back on the road by the end of the month, regardless of whether the issue is resolved.

BMW announces launch of the all new Mini Oxymoron

BMW have today announced the launch of their newest Mini, the Mini Oxymoron, the little big car that is expensively affordable whilst being everything it should be and also that it shouldn't be, except when it is, when it also isn't.

At a driving event for the media this week, the new Mini Oxymoron was met with much nodding and head-shaking by the same people as they grappled with the very definition of what it means to be a big mini.

A BMW spokeswoman said, "We're delighted with the Oxymoron, it's the little big car, that is expensively affordable, beautifully ugly and terrifyingly safe."

"Sure, people wonder about the name. But really, what's in a name? Well it's everything. And nothing. Do you see what I've done there"

"We've essentially taken everything that the mini was, and thrown it away, whilst also keeping it and making it bigger, yet smaller. I hope that clarifies it for you."

Mini

One driver who saw the launch commented, @A big mini? Really? This is like those Chinese folks calling the endangered species the 'Pygmy Giant Pandas', because just plain old pandas isn't sexy enough."

"You're all clearly idiots."

Another confused driver concluded, "What about the genital connotations? I get that a guy in a big car is covering for small genitals. I get it. Big car equals small genitals, but what should I now make of a woman driving a mini?"